Thursday, April 22, 2010

When I asked about her day, and received a monosyllabic grunt in response--that's when I knew it was love.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Gov'ment and the E.P.A.

For a class on social problems, I was required to document my (real) interaction with the environmental protection agency in submitting a freedom of information act request. Long story short, they asked me for money, twice, and then told me they had no information on me. At all.


This is that document.




The screen was shining on his face,
Shining with all its might:
The son did his best to tell
The E.P.A. his plight--
She thought this odd, because he was
No villain of the night.



The government spoke sulkily,
Because she thought this son
Had got no business to request
What she knew he’d done--
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To ask to hear what’s done!"



Though FOIA form was meant to be,
As cumbersome as dry.
He’d filled one out with doubt, because
His scholar said to try:
While no sense was to be seen--
There was a reason why.



The gov’ment and the E.P.A.
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
An inquiry so bland:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "it would be grand!"



"If seven clerks with seven stops
Delayed it for a year.
Do you suppose," the gov’ment said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the E.P.A.,
And shed a bitter tear.



"O Filers, come and walk with us!"
The gov’ment did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
About this pleasant breech:
We cannot take all these requests,
So give us cause to reach."



The flustered son, he looked at her,
And with simplest words he said:
“This flustered son, his scholar suggests,
You’ve cameras in my head--
Meaning to say, you should well know
My actions live or dead.”



But four young clerks, they hurried up,
All eager for a treat:
And sent an e-mail, prepared with haste:
“We’ll hurry, this is neat--
And this was odd, because, you know,
None had left their seat.



Four secretaries followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more--
All hopping through the cubicles;
His request they must store.



The gov’ment and the E.P.A.
Spent an hour or so,
Discussing how to best become
Conveniently slow:
And all the while, the son did wait
To find out what they know.



"The time has come," the gov’ment said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."



"But wait a bit," the son he cried,
"I’ve no desire to chat;
For this is not of what I’ve asked,
Your words of this and that!"
"No hurry!" said the E.P.A.,
“I swear, we’ll get to that.”



"A bit more time," the gov’ment said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
To hunt and search, here and there
Takes very long indeed--
But if you're patient, O Child dear,
We’ll sew this very seed."



"Do please use haste!" the son he cried,
Turning a little blue.
"I’ve filed so much paperwork,
A dismal thing to do!"
"The night is fine," the gov’ment said.
"Don’t you have things to do?



"Study, slumber, or watch late news!
FOX is so very nice!"
The E.P.A. said nothing but
"Please decide a price:
I wish you were not quite so deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"



"This game’s a shame," the son he said,
"To play me such a trick,
After you’ve dragged this out so far,
And refused to be quick!"
The E.P.A. said nothing but
"His folder’s just too thick!"



"I weep for you," the gov’ment said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears she pointed out
She really, truly tries,
Holding her pocket-handkerchief
Before her streaming eyes.



"O Child," said the E.P.A.,
"We’ve done what can be done!
We searched on rocks and tabletops,
But answers came there none—”
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd hidden every one.