And yes, I realize that the beginning of this is something of an info-dump, and that info-dump = bad writing. This setting is my vacation from good writing. I apologize, faithful imaginary friends.
Episode One
“Uullgghh.” The young woman scowled at the holographic bathroom mirror, jabbing at the touch-panel controls to survey her short but mangled hair. The reflection twisted in jerky circles, sculpting to perfection every globby, matted strand. She picked at a particularly rowdy cowlick, only to find her fingers sticking together.
She groaned. “Whhyyyy??” Pulling at a wad of short, dirt-brown hair and twisting it, she inspected the blood-red tips she’d dyed in the week before. She paused, then squinted as she leaned in closer to the hologram, as if proximity would help determine what was damage and what was motor oil. Giving up, she huffed loudly as she thumped toward the bathroom door, its frame alight with a faint red glow.
The frame faded blue, recognizing the identification chip buried in her shoulder. Stepping into the hall, she idly wiped her fingers on her pants. Her feet carried her toward her room absent of thought, and she watched as the black floor lit white under her bare feet. Four toes, four claw-tips, and a slender foot pad shone over and over again, only to fade with the next step.
For a moment, she wondered for the umpteenth time just how much the flooring here cost. Sure, the intergalactic military had a truly ridiculous budget, but certainly they could record footsteps without splurging on the light show? That money had to have better uses, like Ice Cream Tuesdays or free porn for everyone at the base.
She rounded the corner, lost deep in thought about the best means of organizing the fetishes of the fifty or so different species that composed the bulk of the military. True, there were some common interests with most of the humanoid species, and thankfully most of them had evolved similar plumbing, but…
A deep, guttural voice boomed behind her. “You’ve heard the news?”
Every muscle in her body tensed as she jumped in place, twisting on the pad of her foot in a quick circle to face her assailant.
A tall, coal-black humanoid stood before her, his furred brow arched in amusement. He pointed calmly toward her tail, the long-haired tip of which was flared out like an angry cat. “You could put an eye out with that.”
“Mutt! You… ff… fucker!” she spat, pouting dramatically as she caught her breath. Her cheeks and thin, rounded ears flushed red. “Don’t do that!!” A fist lunged out, striking him in the arm.
His expression didn’t budge. “Don’t speak to you.”
“I… no, don’t… don’t sneak up on me, dickface! Fuck!” Giving him a dirty look, she started back toward her room.
He followed. “Three years I have known you, Mouse. Not once have I, ehh…” He held up his fingers for air quotes. “…’snuck up on you’.”
“Pffff!!” Throwing up her arms, she turned around again, walking backwards as she gestured angrily. “You’re like a walking dog… wolf… smelly, shaggy… monster thing and you—”
“Yes. And you’re jumpy.”
She pointed at his face, eyes narrowing accusingly. “No!” she squeaked, stepping over beside him. “You don’t make any sound when you walk! You’re like some kind of teenage mutant church… whatever, but your damn voice is like… like…” Huffing, her arms flared out in a big circle.
“Big?”
“Fuck you! Loud! That word!”
With a quiet sigh, he reached for her hands.
She stopped, tilting her head, curiosity etched on her face.
Slowly, he drew her palms in a sweeping motion, only to push them against her own breasts. Making a ‘pop’ sound with his lips, he stepped by her, walking away as she stared on in confusion.
“…The fuck? What are you…”
He glanced over his shoulder, shrugging. “Changing the topic. I had news.”
Blinking, she glanced down at her hands and slowly pulled them away. She had faint grease-stains over her breasts from what was left on her fingers. With a defeated sigh, she caught up to Mutt. “Well, what.”
Reaching the door to her quarters, he stopped, leveling a serious look at her. “We’re supposed to expect an assault tomorrow. During our guard shift.”
She rolled her eyes, hands finding her hips. “That’s your news? They say that every day that ends in ‘d—”
“Solid intel this time. I checked.”
She paused, tilting her head to the side and giving him a suspicious look. “….Okaaay, so we’ll slaughter them like we have every other assault. Why not just tell me in the morning? Or… you know, call me. This is the thirty-sixth century, Mutt. We have these phone things…?”
He took a deep breath, glancing away for a moment. Slowly glancing back toward her, his ears sank. He leaned in slowly, deep fear in his eyes.
She bit her lip.
And then he sniffed her hair.
She blinked, jerking her head away suddenly. “..the fuck?”
He placed his hands on her shoulders. “You smell like you fucked a motor. I wanted to be sure you cleaned up nicely for our guests, tomorrow.”
The young woman stared blankly, at a complete loss for words.
His clawed fingers picked at her hair. “Look, you even have engine cum in your hair. You’re such a slut, Mouse. Everything with a pulse, and then some.”
Her flat nostrils flared, lips curled tight as her eyes flashed rage. Shoving him as hard as she could, she managed to knock him back a few feet.
Coarse laughter burst from his chest, only to dwindle into a wheeze as her fist struck his stomach.
“You fucking asshole! I thought there was some… some goddamned… space armada coming or something! Carpet bombs all up in our shit!”
With a pained cackle, he eased in closer and gently drooped an arm over her shoulder. Suddenly, he hooked a foot behind her leg. Pushing with his elbow, he dropped her straight on her bottom. The floor blinked white, then red, baffled by the unusually large foot it was reading.
Caught between a wince and a self-deprecating laugh, she leaned her head back against her bedroom door. “Owwww whhyyyyyyy…”
He shrugged, then held up a finger, as if struck by an idea. “You know, while you’re down there…”
“Oh, fuck off!” Glaring up from the floor, she balled up her fist and made a faux punching motion at his groin.
He sighed, shaking his head. With a tap of a nearby wall panel, he opened her door behind her, unceremoniously dropping her backwards onto her bedroom floor. As the ensuing insults flew, he walked away.
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